One-liners | Page 22 | PCSPECIALIST

One-liners

ColEyt

Gold Level Poster
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ubuysa

The BSOD Doctor
Moderator
I know this is very old but it's worthy of repeating for those (few) who've never seen it....

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
 

SpyderTracks

Bingo Bango Orchestrator
Moderator
I know this is very old but it's worthy of repeating for those (few) who've never seen it....

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
OMG that’s genius 😂
 

ubuysa

The BSOD Doctor
Moderator
These are apparently real comments written on car insurance claim forms (with a nod to Jasper Carrot)....

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven’t got.

Cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.

Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been run over before.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found I had a fractured skull.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn’t give way.

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind.

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

The telephone pole was approaching and I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end of my car.

I told the other idiot what he was and went on.

The bloke was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
 
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