One-liners | Page 23 | PCSPECIALIST

One-liners

rouchie

Bright Spark
These are apparently real comments written on car insurance claim forms (with a nod to Jasper Carrot)....

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven’t got.

Cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.

Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.

I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been run over before.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found I had a fractured skull.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn’t give way.

The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.

The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind.

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.

The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.

The telephone pole was approaching and I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end of my car.

I told the other idiot what he was and went on.

The bloke was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I remember seeing him doing this on TV - so funny with his delivery and facial expressions!!
 

DISCOSPARTA

Expert
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ColEyt

Gold Level Poster
Courtesy of the late and great Tommy Cooper

I went to the Doctor's the other day. I said, 'Doc, I've broken my arm in two places.' He said, "Well, don't go to those places."

I went to the doctors the other day, and he told me to say 'Aahh'. I asked him why, and he told me his dog had just died.
 

SpyderTracks

Bingo Bango Orchestrator
Moderator
Courtesy of the late and great Tommy Cooper

I went to the Doctor's the other day. I said, 'Doc, I've broken my arm in two places.' He said, "Well, don't go to those places."

I went to the doctors the other day, and he told me to say 'Aahh'. I asked him why, and he told me his dog had just died.
Tommy Cooper was and is one of my all time greatest, sheer genius.
 

Martinr36

MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some Help.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up,
driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
He got off of his cycle and asked, if she needs help?
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick.
I've locked my keys in the car.
I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, Sure.
"He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You God, for sending me such a very nice man."
The Biker heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man.
I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God!
You even sent me a Professional!"
 

rouchie

Bright Spark
More from the great man ....

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.

My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth.

I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids.


 
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