Why did the man fall down the well? Because he didn't see that well!
• What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday? "Aye Matey!"
• Someone has glued my pack of cards together - I don't know how to deal with it.
• What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing
• I was wondering why the frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger, and then it hit me
• I was stood behind a customer at an ATM and he turned around and said "could you check my balance?" - so I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great.
• Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was out standing in his field!
• What did the daddy buffalo say to his son when he left for work? Bison
"You wake to the clock, you go to work to the clock, you clock-in to the clock, you clock out to the clock, you come home to the clock, you eat to the clock, you drink to the clock, you go to bed to the clock, you get up to the clock, you go back to work to the clock... You do that for forty years of your life and you retire - what do they give you?
years ago, when telephone boxes had telephone directories in them, me and some mates were thumbing through one and found someone with the surname "Onion" so we phoned them up and asked if they were in a pickle...........