One-liners | Page 37 | PCSPECIALIST

One-liners

Scott

Behold The Ford Mondeo
Moderator
Aww come on. Alt E... only has to be the GR alt.

He's the sort of consultant that asks if you've turned it off and on again.
 

Scott

Behold The Ford Mondeo
Moderator
Relevant..

4 engineers get into a car. The car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says that it must be the starter motor
The electrical engineer says it must be the battery
The chemical engineer thinks that the fuel is impure
The IT Engineer says "I've an idea guys, lets try getting out and back in again".
 

ubuysa

The BSOD Doctor
Moderator
Our electric hob, with touch sensitive controls, refused to turn on two nights ago. My wife was less than pleased and gave me that look that says "fix it, now!"....

I located the manual in our box of manuals, read it from cover to cover and found nothing that would help.

Having once been a consultant (amongst other things) I flipped the mains breaker for it off, counted to 100 and then flipped the breaker back on.

The hob started up just fine. Brownie points banked. [emoji41]
 

Martinr36

MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
So I was at the store earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping cart. With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was a BLD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is a BLD? I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog. She said Butt Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it.
 

SpyderTracks

Bingo Bango Orchestrator
Moderator
So I was at the store earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping cart. With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was a BLD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is a BLD? I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog. She said Butt Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it.
My mother was one of those hoarding, she had a whole double closet packed to the brim with toilet paper, I had a right go at her when I saw it.
 

Martinr36

MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking United” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“United?” exclaimed the hairdresser. ” That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Taste.”
“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot..
And the Taste hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”
“Oh, really! What’d he say?”
He said: “Who screwed up your hair? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
 

DISCOSPARTA

Expert
242144989_10158573514593869_3948363867044069459_n - Copy.jpg
 

ubuysa

The BSOD Doctor
Moderator
I saw these on a news website today, they are apparently jokes that only smart people can understand. I don't get them of course, perhaps you might? ;)

Heard about that new band called 1023 MB? They haven't had any gigs yet.

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm travelling light."

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

And my favourite.....

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
 
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