One-liners
- Thread starter AgentCooper
- Start date
TonyCarter
VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
I thought Brokeback Mountain was about climbing/mountaineering...oh boy, what a shock I got.
SpyderTracks
We love you Ukraine
That’s updating the cooker clock sorted…
Last edited:
HomerJ
Prolific Poster
ubuysa
The BSOD Doctor
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm on April fool’s day.
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $50 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $50 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $50 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $50 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
ubuysa
The BSOD Doctor
This is a true story...
We used to live aboard our yacht in the marina here. In the winter, when the marina is full of live-aboards, there are often queues to use the few toilets that we have, especially in the morning (you're not permitted to dump solid waste into the marina from the heads on your boat - it's a massive fine if you do, possible expulsion from the marina too).
I was close friends with the then manager of the marina so I persuaded him to send a letter, on official marina paper, that said that the marina had adopted a new policy on the use of the toilets based on boat names. Boats with names beginning A and B can use the toilets between 0700 and 0730, boats with names beginning C and D can use them between 0730 and 0800, and so on. Oh did that cause a roar of complaints!
The manager had a stack of papers on his desk that said April Fool! and every time someone came in to complain about the new policy he just handed them the paper. It worked a treat!!!
I wasn't very popular the next day however when the manager let slip that it was my idea.....
We used to live aboard our yacht in the marina here. In the winter, when the marina is full of live-aboards, there are often queues to use the few toilets that we have, especially in the morning (you're not permitted to dump solid waste into the marina from the heads on your boat - it's a massive fine if you do, possible expulsion from the marina too).
I was close friends with the then manager of the marina so I persuaded him to send a letter, on official marina paper, that said that the marina had adopted a new policy on the use of the toilets based on boat names. Boats with names beginning A and B can use the toilets between 0700 and 0730, boats with names beginning C and D can use them between 0730 and 0800, and so on. Oh did that cause a roar of complaints!
The manager had a stack of papers on his desk that said April Fool! and every time someone came in to complain about the new policy he just handed them the paper. It worked a treat!!!
I wasn't very popular the next day however when the manager let slip that it was my idea.....
Martinr36
MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
Brilliant
SpyderTracks
We love you Ukraine
HomerJ
Prolific Poster
29 years 2 months, 49999 hours, 339999999999 minutes and 291111111111111111111111111 seconds, but i love you anyway love
HomerJ
Prolific Poster
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
