SpyderTracks
We love you Ukraine
I expect to be demanded at all times. It's not too much to ask for....?
One-liners
- Thread starter AgentCooper
- Start date
NoddyPirate
Grand Master
Reminds me of another of my Dads favourites:
"I always have the last say in this house! And it's mostly - Yes, dear...."
SpyderTracks
We love you Ukraine
My Dad's response when I was about 25 and I asked him what the secret to a successful marriage was...
He turned to me, closed the door to the sitting room where my mum was sat and said in a very quiet voice "Nod and smile, son, nod and smile".
NoddyPirate
Grand Master
Ha ha! I laughed out loud at that! (Family think I’m weird - again 🙄)
I was obsessed with the Marx Brothers as a kid (odd for a child born in the eighties, I know) and the Groucho quote that still gets me to this day is:
‘Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read’
Just so wonderfully irreverent 😆
D
Deleted member 41971
Guest
my favorite Groucho Marx's quote is
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped"
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped"
D
Deleted member 41971
Guest
NoddyPirate
Grand Master
Yes - but imagine how much worse it would be if it was overclocked?
D
Deleted member 41971
Guest
not a one liner but still funny
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
—Emo Philips
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
—Emo Philips
Martinr36
MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
A friend posted this on FB earlier
BANNED
Dear Mrs. Julie Bailey,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban him from the store.
Our complaints against your husband Mr. Matt Bailey, include, but are not limited to, the list below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. January 5: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
2. February 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
3. March 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the toilets.
4. April 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away".
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor.
5. May 4: Went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a pack of biscuits.
6. June 14: Moved a "Caution - Wet Floor" sign to a carpeted area, which resulted in a customer slipping and falling over.
7. August 15: Sat in a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. September 3: Darted around the whole store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
9. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "Pick me! Pick me!"
10. November 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
11. December 2: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here."
12. December 7: Parked his car in the trolley shelter:
13. The final straw, he positioned manikins in the clothing department in sexually explicit poses
BANNED
Dear Mrs. Julie Bailey,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban him from the store.
Our complaints against your husband Mr. Matt Bailey, include, but are not limited to, the list below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. January 5: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
2. February 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
3. March 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the toilets.
4. April 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away".
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor.
5. May 4: Went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a pack of biscuits.
6. June 14: Moved a "Caution - Wet Floor" sign to a carpeted area, which resulted in a customer slipping and falling over.
7. August 15: Sat in a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. September 3: Darted around the whole store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
9. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "Pick me! Pick me!"
10. November 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
11. December 2: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here."
12. December 7: Parked his car in the trolley shelter:
13. The final straw, he positioned manikins in the clothing department in sexually explicit poses
D
Deleted member 41971
Guest
"What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?"
A tourist.
A tourist.
D
Deleted member 41971
Guest
D
Deleted member 41971
Guest
"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."
D
Deleted member 41971
Guest
From modern toss cartoons, when tech talks back
D
Deleted member 41971
Guest
Martinr36
MOST VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
Try telling Alexa to do the okey-kokey 😂 😂 😂
Bhuna50
Author Level
ah but does she...alexa knows whats it all a bout, oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh the Okey Kokey